It’s nothing personal, I want you to know that. I want it to be clear that I have had every intention to read you and that if there were more of me around, I probably would have read you. You see, life has just gotten away from me. Yes, I still buy new books and yes, I’m still reading those text books, but you? You have been on that shelve for five years now. You have sequels and a movie adaptation now. I tell people that I’m going to read you, or worse, that I already have. One day, maybe. Who am I kidding? My list is growing longer and longer. Every day it feels like I have discovered another book to read and I’m drowning in a pile of unread literature. I will never get to all of you, not even in my glory years when this list is a mile long. Eventually some will have to be overlooked. I hope it’s not you, but it could be. I’ll have to make room for reading the next big thing and keeping up with the bestsellers. Life is only going to get even busier. Maybe when my kids are grown, they can recap the stories that they read to me and it will feel almost as good. It won’t. I miss reading every day. I miss relaxing in my chair for hours, never being able to find a comfortable position but by the end of the day I had finished a great story. I miss running to my room with my book in hand and telling people not to bother me because I had to finish the story today. Now I read for work, for school, out of boredom. With social media, it’s clear that I’m reading now more than ever but every article I click, every boring narrative from a friend’s timeline is not as important as the books that are growing old and stiff on my shelves. I miss you all. I want to be swept away again. I want to laugh, cry, get angry, throw the book across the room and half to run over and pick it up because I need to know how the story ends. I miss that. I miss you. Where is the time going? It seems as if it’s all moving too fast. Maybe I’m writing my own story now, but does that mean I must give up the joy of reading others? Respond to this letter as quickly as possible and let’s run away together. You were my first love and now I barely see you. Anyways, #ThxForNow E.L. Grahamwood
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I miss you every day. When October rolls around I remember the good times more prominently than any other time of the year. I loved you. You were my best friend during a period of my life when I had so few others. Sometimes the line between friendship was blurred. You were a comforter, a person to experiment with, a healer, and sometimes an abuser.
I recognize that now. As much as I enjoyed your company there were so many times that you were just not good for me. That’s why we met such a tragic end. As much as I thought we’d be friends forever, it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m with somebody new now. I love him as much I loved you. If it wasn’t for you I don’t think I would have ever been in a place so low that I could recognize someone who genuinely cared. You gave me that contrast. I appreciate the good memories you gave me and I truly believe you saved my life once. Thank you. That said, you also put me in a place much darker than I’ve ever been. I changed so much because of you but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Because of you, I don’t trust anybody anymore. I find it hard to be myself, to be kind, and to be genuine around others. I worry that they are going to leave me, to hurt me, like you did. I worry that I am going to be played as a fool and loose everyone around me. You’ve left me insecure. I don’t know what to do when I think about you. Should I try to stop myself? Be angry? Pretend like you’re a part of a forgotten past? Sometimes I wish you were still near. When I see the photos from our time together, I only remember the good days. The bad seem to have melted away. I just want to forgive you. I want to have one last chance to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to be able to look at you and say that as much s I wish things were still the same, that I am glad that they have changed. I’m glad that we went our separate way. I just wish that those paths weren’t so far apart that there was an opportunity for conversation. I really do miss you. I have for two years now. I never can stop thinking about you, so I guess you won. You’re on my mind now, always. #Thx4Now E.L. Grahamwood My fellow newsies,
You matter. You are appreciated. Your work is so important. I know these are things that no one tells you and you are more accustomed to being told what a horrible job you are doing or what an awful person you are. As journalists, we are more used to hearing terms like “fake news,” and “media propaganda,” than expressions of appreciation. It can be overbearing at times to remain consistently professional in such an environment. You face both the good and the bad of society and are generally overlooked as a contributor to democracy. More and more people are tuning out, turning off, and abandoning the traditional media and this is both a financial burden and mental strain for you. I get it. We all want to do good and I know so many journalists have dreams of changing the world. After the 30th time covering a mass shooting or a rigged election it all starts to become fuzzy and the point of trying is forgotten. Some days we just want to abandon society, give up, and let the consumer wander in a world without journalists on their side. Don’t let freedom die on your hands. Every day we must get up and document this ever-changing world. We must find the voiceless and the forgotten and give them the power to speak. We must trust that the truth will win over all else. We cannot forget what it means to be in human. We are human. The news is not a machine, it is an assembly line with so many individuals doing their part to inform, entertain, and help the masses. Even as people can get more news from more sources, your voice is something unique and crucial to the way our nation works. Without you our democracy is one thread thinner. If we have the freedom to write the facts, we shall press forward and write them. You do so much more than just writing and reporting the events of the day. You are a gatekeeper for the entire nation, the entire world. You’re the one who gets invited into the home, a trusting beacon, to convey horrific events in ways that calms the masses. As the future may not be clear we must remain steadfast in reporting truthfully and ethically. Sometimes we get it wrong. You know this, I know this. The consumer can be abrasive but we must forgive them. They want the same as we do, a path cleared through all the statistics, social constructs, and misinterpretations. I am confident in your abilities to make this world a better place. I know that my freedom depends on your freedom. I know that we are better now than we once were. We can get through this story too, and the next, and the next. We will continue to be a frontline in a desert storm of propaganda, fallacies and silencers. Keep it up. #Thx4Now E.L. Grahamwood Dear kiddo,
I wish I could promise to you a kind and happy life in a forgiving world. For the most part I will try to create this illusion for you, but one day you are going to learn that this life isn’t meant to always be happy, people aren’t always kind, and this world doesn’t forgive or forget anything. I hope that you get everything you could ever want and more. I hope that you grow into a wonderful person who puts others first and I hope that you enjoy your childhood without ever worrying about money. I can’t give you much to prepare for the years ahead. You are facing a future that I can hardly fathom. Every day you will walk into the unknown and at times it’s going to be hard. I won’t always be here for you, but I leave behind a legacy of words for you to read and reread as you need. No, I can’t change how the world is going to treat you and the lessons you will have to learn on your own, however I can give you some words of advice on various concepts that I’ve learned during my time here. Here’s what I know: Money can buy happiness but it doesn’t give you fulfillment. Our world is driven by money. Those who have more of it have more power and those with not enough of it achieve less. Everything costs and not being financially adequate hinders how you grow, the opportunities you have, and the ability to live a low stress life. I want you to be the best that you can be and work your hardest. I want you to sustain yourself and achieve higher education. I want you to have opportunities available for you to change the world. Don’t take these opportunities for granted. Nothing is handed to you for free and the world doesn’t owe you anything. The chance to do anything great requires that you put great things into the world. You can do anything that you set your mind to and a challenge isn’t a reason to quit. Those who help you are special, everyone else will try to tear you down and compete against you. Always take the high road and make never hurt others. Toe a fine line between doing what’s best for you and what’s best for the greater good. Be a force of good in the world. There is enough anger and hate already in the universe and I expect for you to not contribute to it. I hope that you will be motivated by kindness and love. Do what makes you happy but also make sure to contribute to another person’s happiness. Be happy. Only you can make yourself happy. You won’t always be happy but you can make yourself happy. Do what you love, laugh often, eat your favorite foods, be at peace with nature, date lots of people and take risks. I expect you to make mistakes and learn from them. In exchange, you will grow into a better person. Regret nothing, regret only takes away from your happiness. Instead, live in the moment and remind yourself why you make the choices you do. Use this as a model to plan your life. Don’t fret the small stuff, everything becomes small stuff in time. Follow your heart and do what feels right. Ask yourself what is right and wrong. I can try and tell you what I think you should agree or disagree with, but ultimately you will make your own choices. Don’t be scared to disagree with me or try new things. Sometimes the only way to know something is wrong is to be in the thick of it. I will never be upset with you for learning life lessons. Do things society doesn’t see as the norm. Have sex when you feel ready. Talk to me when you make your decisions. Know the effects of drugs before trying anything. Ask for my opinion. Allow yourself to believe in God, ask yourself what you know to be true versus what you have to blindly have faith in. Don’t be afraid to tell me anything. I may one day forget what it’s like to be young but I will never forget how my life was shaped. I have a lot to tell you, to teach you, and you have so much to teach me. Very few relationships will be as lasting as a parent and child’s. Let’s go through this together. Most importantly, remember that I love you. You can become anything or anyone in this life. Whether it is good or bad will not be determined by me. I will protect you. I will love you. I will never abandon you. You can go to church, you can listen to country music, you can drink vinegar every day and I will still let you live your life. We are siblings in heaven and I will never hinder your mortal life by taking away your freedom to make choices. No matter what I may or may not agree with, I understand that you must learn on your own. The only thing I refuse to allow in this life, is to let you think that I don’t love you. I do. I will give you much in your life but I can’t give you everything. Know that in this moment, I am grateful for your existence. You have given me so much joy and I strive to repay you each day. #Thx4Now Your loving father I don’t fear you, at least not anymore. There was once a time that I worried you would come for me before I had a chance to do anything “great” with my life and that it would be a cruel joke to put someone like myself on this Earth with so many dreams and goals, just to take them away before I could accomplish them. I used to fear you. Now, I feel ready for you. I am eager to see what you hold in store for someone like me. I still think that you will be different than people say. So many people think of you as a scary thing, something to try and outrun. However, I’ve spent enough time running towards you that now I’m indifferent to the entire thing. I am ready when you are. Maybe the joke will be on me and I will live a long life. I guess that wouldn’t be too bad. You see, I am happy here. Although, I feel as though the longer I stay here the more likely it is that I will be fearful of you again. Or rather, I may just fear leaving others behind or causing them any heartache. I think I will be okay, in fact I will probably be better than okay, but knowing now that there are people who will not understand what you are and what this means makes me sad for them. I do not fear you but I am angry at those you take away from me so soon. If one is to go, why can’t we all go? What is the point of dreading an impending event for so long and pretending like it isn’t going to happen? We build houses and relationships and create art just for it all to be swiped away by your quick hand. You are a thief. You steal so much and give nothing in return. I know that life must have balance, but what about those who are left behind? The lovers, the children, the friends? Are we all supposed to go on as if this immeasurable hole is not blatantly staring up from every spot they used to stand? The chair they sat in? The room they slept? How does time go on when something so definite such as yourself exists at a fixed point in the timeline? Where are we going when we are done here? I am not scared of you but I am eager to find out more. I want to know the exact process and outcome of your existence. I guess having you around inspires me to think and live every day to the fullest. Carpe Diem, death. #Thx4Now Erick L. Grahamwood Dear Lady Gaga, I grew up a very fat, very closeted, little Christian boy in the countryside of America where it was deemed universally unnatural to see a lady, like yourself, talking about a disco stick and dancing in the clubs. That said, there was no stopping you from doing everything your heart desired and because of your drive to be authentic, your platform to spread kindness, and your honest approach to the world and art, people saw themselves in you. I saw myself in you. Granted, in 2008 it seems incredulous to be comparing myself, a 300 pound 11-year-old boy, to a five-foot-two icon in a meat dress. Those first three years was a time of change, where black men became presidents, youth was fleeting, and an Italian girl from New York could have three number one hits (and many other hits) in three years. By the time “Born This Way” came out, I was already living for your art. Like many others, BTW changed my life. Going into high school I had lost 100 pounds from just exercising to the album. I could find a never seen confidence in myself that was only lit because of your inspiration. I didn’t get to see your “Born This Way Ball” before it was cancelled but I lived for another two years of just knowing you were healing and growing. I was growing too. By the time I was a junior in high school I was already starting to question my sexuality. I started dating a girl who meant the world to me and I had really come out of my shell. When “Artpop” released I declared it a tribute to fleeting youth and living young and free. At least, that’s what I did during the next year. I changed. I broke up with the girl. I tried new things. I spent a time releasing my own “Mary Jane Holland” and I even saw you in concert in August of 2014. Then, a shift in the dynamics came. I was 18. I was growing up. You released “Cheek to Cheek” with Tony Bennett, you performed at the Oscar’s singing “The Sound of Music.” Suddenly, you were everywhere I didn’t expect you to be and it showed me how to be taken seriously. I wanted to be true to myself like you were, in a sense that you were true to the past generations who helped you and looking towards a bright future. I graduated. I saw you again at the Hollywood Bowl in May of 2015 with Tony. You are amazing in everything you do: American Horror Story for two seasons, your performance at the songwriter’s hall of fame, performing with Metallica, performing the national anthem at halftime, performing a David Bowie tribute, and especially for your Oscar-nominated song “Til it Happens to You.” Between the “Artpop” phase and “Cheek to Cheek” is when I really started to discover myself. I let people in that I shouldn’t have. In February 2014, I lost my virginity to a 40-year old man when I was just 17. I became quiet again and I felt hurt and ashamed. I thought what was happened was wrong and I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want it to happen, but he was there and older than me, and it did. For the next year I stifled any indication that I might be gay and that this had happened to me. Only a few people even knew, my sister being one of them and I find joy in that fact because I’ve always admired you and your sister’s relationship and me and my own sister’s. Then, “Til It Happens to You” came out. I decided I was done letting this fear of men, this secret I have, control my life. I came out to my family who immediately had a backfire effect on such a “strange” revelation. You taught me how to hold my head up and be strong. I came out to everyone I knew. I fought to end sexual and domestic violence. I moved out and went to college. Even though I felt liberated in a sense, I felt alone. I didn’t know who accepted this “new” version of myself. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and that my world was crashing down. In Fall of 2015, I attempted to commit suicide. I didn’t know who to turn to anymore. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and you started to be an advocate for mental health awareness. I realized I wasn’t alone, and now two years later I have realized I never was. My family have since come around to accepting me and I have met a wonderful man who I married this year. 2016 was a rebuilding year but things started looking up. When “Joanne” came out I found myself in a new role model. I too could be like Joanne, a role model for my family, for those who care about me. I had a “Million Reasons” to stay in this life. I still am appreciative of your music, your influence, and your kindness for helping me overcome such a hard time in my life. I got a tattoo in solidarity with you and other victims of sexual abuse during your Oscar performance in 2016. Since liberating myself of all the hard times and the pain, I have found a new life in helping others. I married my partner this Summer and I attended your “Joanne” tour on my honeymoon. Every part of it was just as incredible as your halftime show performance. Things are looking up. As I sit here writing this letter to you, I am awaiting your new Netflix Documentary and “A Star is Born” in the next year. I am still thriving off the art that you create and I know you appreciate your fans as much as they love you. While you are recovering from the pain that Fibromyalgia has caused you, please know that you have a million fans who love and care about you and know it’s for the best that you are taking time for yourself to recover. We all must live in this moment and be our best self. I know I am trying to as well. You Inspire me every day. #Thx4Now, E.L. Grahamwood The leaves are turning a golden yellow and the nip of a cold night is creeping its way throughout the day. The arthritis in my wrists is flaring up again and the air is filled with an aroma of deep fried Twinkies and Mexican corn. (I understand this may just be an Idaho reference but oh, is it Fall to me.) Autumn is almost here. To this I say…shit.
Don’t get me wrong, Autumn, there are certain aspects of your grim existence that I admire, such as the colorful pallets throughout the trees and the pumpkin spice lattes we sacrifice to the “basic bitch” in your honor. In fact, I have numerous wonderful memories such as dates to haunted houses and corn mazes, Thanksgiving with my family, and numerous years at the state fair, which always makes it feel like summer is over but I also have multiple horrible memories of you, Fall, such as my first semester alone at college, multiple heartbreaks, and (less awful but just weird) discovering my first glory hole at the Eastern Idaho State Fair. (It’s safe to say, the men’s bathrooms have been fixed since those days.) Yes, Fall, you are a beautiful time of the year but I detest the shorter days, dark mornings, cold nights, and feeling of death that accompanies your presence. After the long, warm nights of Summer pass and I begin to forget the sun’s sweet kiss on my neck and the warm breeze on my leg, it’s unfortunately depressing to only be left with dead trees and darkness during what used to be daytime. You make me feel sad for what used to be. Yes, I could move away from you and leave you to be just a distant memory, but I like my home and you barge into it as an undesirable house guest. With you, you bring bugs searching for shelter, a crisp chill in the air, and an ache in my bones. You refuse to leave and eventually you invite your colder friends to join you in my environment. Winter barges into what used to be a happy place leaving only depressing, cold thoughts. It takes months to coax the cold away and at this point the feeling of summer is just a memory. This year Autumn, could you not just skip over us? We don’t need you anymore. Summer is only 9 months away. It could be worse, I guess but I don’t know how. #Thx4Now E.L. Grahamwood We all go about our lives doing similar things each day and they all seem to blend together. We go to work, we eat dinner we watch TV, we spend 30 minutes sitting on the toilet while scrolling through our Facebook feed until our legs start to go numb and we decide that it’s time we go back into the real world, and then we sleep. Then the next day we repeat the same thing again and then again, the next day and every day after that until we die. We forget to interact with the people around us and even more so, we forget to communicate with the people in our lives. Sometimes we just can’t say what we truly feel, and that’s okay. However, for me, I live with a need to tell people what I’m thinking, no matter how honest it is. For the most part I try to stifle the urge, otherwise things become too uncomfortable for both of us, but because of that I found myself writing letters to people that I fully intended to send but never actually took the time to put them in the mailbox. In fact, it was almost as if once I had written my thoughts into existence, I didn’t need to tell them to anyone.
Then I started thinking about how I could do this professionally. #Thx4Now was born. This blog is a place for me to write letters to all the people, things, and places I interact with daily. Whether it’s a letter to my mom, the president, a celebrity, the sky, the clouds, or just a letter to myself, I decided this would be a space to write true feelings and sentiments to whoever, whenever but I had one catch; I could only write to each person once and then, never again. If I only had one chance to say everything I could to a certain person or thing, what would I say? I knew I would want to thank them for this moment, to thank them for the now that I’m living in. (#THX4Now) I wanted to be able to write down all the thoughts I had and then always end with a positive thank you to each person. These are my thank you notes to the world. As a reader reading these letters, one becomes an intimate player in my life. They get a deep look at my thoughts, my beliefs, my fears and what I would want to change in the world. In most cases, they get to be a fly on the wall to a personal, one-sided conversation I am having with another individual. I hope everyone enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy writing them. If there’s one that you think the person it’s written to needs to read, by all means, send them to my website or start forwarding the link to Ellen. Read on friends. #Thx4Now E.L. Grahamwood |
Erick L. Graham Wood
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