Yesterday, during a team meeting, my child’s caseworker said that it was time for them to “start transitioning” themselves “out of our lives.” Of course, this is an exciting moment in our journey because it means we are close to solidifying our relationship to this child in a legally binding way. But it also feels like that final badge of approval telling me that I’m going to make it as a parent. So, there couldn’t possibly be any surprises this late in the game, could there? Especially on my side because I started planning for this a year and a half ago. Yet, sadly, I’m riddled with doubt on whether my husband and son will ever actually bond or if one is going to silently resent the other while the child becomes more standoffish. On the surface, my husband gets along well with our son. He’s able to take care of him and he is a stickler for following the rules. But he’s not actually connecting with him. He spends so much time reprimanding him that he forgets to take joy in the silly moments or allow mistakes to be made. Perhaps three of us is a crowd, because I know I have a much easier time handling my child’s emotions when it’s just us, one-on-one, but my husband doesn’t report the same thing when he’s left alone with the child. Usually he just says “oh, he’s been in his room all night” or “I made dinner and then he went and played.” There’s nothing wrong with that on the surface, but my spouse hardly recognizes when the child is looking for connection. Often times he confuses normal child behavior with disrespect. I don’t want to pretend that I’m the moral center in this situation. I’ve had numerous occasions where I’ve said the wrong thing or made a bigger situation out of an emotion than is needed. However, I trust my experience learning how not to trigger the child and how to make my job easier. Ultimately, I’ve had more one-on-one time with our child, taking him to doctor appointments, therapy, volunteering in his classroom and being the one that the teacher calls when our son needs someone to talk him off a ledge. That’s all on me. I’m the type of person who likes to be in control. For years it has felt as if I was the parent to my husband and he has recognized that and really has stepped up. But it’s not as easy for him and it all comes back to our upbringing. As a child, I was allowed to make mistakes. I shouted and fought with my parents. I did drugs and stole as a teenager. Everything I did lead me back to my parents for support and they were always there. When my son says or does something wrong, I have an easier time putting myself in their shoes and saying, “oh yeah, I understand why he’s acting this way, because he hasn’t learned better.” I understand that it takes repetition and time. However, my husband sees the same actions and immediately shares his disapproval because he knows that he could never get away with the things our son does when he was a kid. Is that for better or worse? I don’t know. I believe my husband has turned into a decent human-being, so I don’t fault his parents. However, I also know my husband has turned into an emotionally distant, traumatized individual, and I do fault his societal upbringing for that. It’s something I’ve had to deal with myself, and it’s definitely something that our son is dealing with too. Unfortunately, the emotional burden of helping two boys in my house (aside from myself) escape their man box has been brutal. Just trying to help them share their feelings and embrace a deeper connection with each other is a herculean task. Some might think, “well how can a gay person possibly be trapped in a man box?” And let me tell you, it’s definitely still there. It’s a bedazzled man box, but it still keeps us caged just like it does so many other men. Don’t cry. Don’t talk about your feelings. Be strong and take charge. Be independent. All of these things including misogyny and homophobia are things I see in my household every day. My son is spending so much energy trying to “fit in.” He has an idealistic version of who he wants to be which includes curly hair and expensive shoes. At only 11-years-old I’ve already seen “how do I look thinner?” in his Google search history. He also has a specific way that he thinks “men” talk like, throwing around words like “bitch, whore, and faggot.” He doesn’t ask for help, he doesn’t want to be told what to do, he demands respect without earning it, and he treats girls like objects. Meanwhile, my husband has made much greater strides, obviously because he’s older, out of the closet, and married to me, but still, he finds it difficult to share his emotions. He never had a role model growing up who taught him how to talk. Like many gay boys, he had his mother to talk to. If we had a daughter, I don’t think this would be so hard for my husband. However, with a heterosexual son, I can see that he’s letting his own limitations stand in the way of connecting. It takes time, but ending those generational teachings is hard. [email protected]
0 Comments
|
Erick L. Graham WoodHello there! Archives
June 2023
Categories |