If Hamilton had taken that break in upstate New York, his entire life would have changed. We all know that Rachel and Ross said, “they were on a break,” but maybe they needed to reconsider their definition. And for goodness sakes, the makers of the Kit Kat bar have been telling people to take a break for a decade at least. So as parents, why do we feel so averse to the idea of taking a break away from our kids When fostering, it’s routinely reminded to providers that they should take advantage of childcare opportunities so that they can spend time away from the day-to-day struggle, yet so few people actually use the respite care at their disposal. For my husband and I, it has been tough to figure out when these “scheduled breaks” could happen in between school, therapy, caseworker meetings, family time, work, and the multiple other appointments that have popped up on our calendar since becoming adoptive parents. Recently we were able to take a day to ourselves and see a movie, apply for a credit card, shop alone at Costco, and eat out. The day was enjoyable but nothing to write home about while our son went adventuring on an ATV. After that we were able to get a babysitter to see a theatrical production of “Frozen: The Musical.” Aside from those instances, we have been at our child’s beck and call for the majority of the past five months. During this period, I’ve had to leave early from work on multiple occasions for IEP meetings or to help calm my child after they’ve thrown a tantrum at school or bullied a classmate. The “good moments” have been very rare. That isn’t to say we haven’t loved having a son, but the expectations and loaded feelings that come with the role have been noticeable to say the least. Finally, this Thanksgiving weekend, after three days of “family time” on steroids, we were able to “let it go” and get away as a couple for an extended break on a beach in Mexico. Quite frankly, being two-thousand miles away from the child we have spent so much time initiating into our family does feel sad in a way. The distance leaves me longing for that child more than I expected. Ironically enough, every update I get from his caretaker while on vacation reminds me why I needed this break in the first place. I have learned a few things about myself and my relationship with my son while on this vacation. First, I’m not the only one figuring out how to handle him. Sure, I know his teachers and principal are having a hard time with his non-compliance and obnoxious whims, but my sister, who’s a seasoned veteran in the motherhood game, is also finding it difficult to lasso his rambunctious self. For me, this means that I don’t need to be so hard on myself when worrying that I’m doing something wrong. Even a mother of three doesn’t have all of the answers, all of the time. Second, I really do see this kid as a part of my family. Sometimes I wonder, or often I do, whether this kid is just temporary or if he actually wants to be in our family. This makes me wonder if I have a real relationship with him or if it’s just fabricated. Maybe I’m the second place for his broken family. But leaving him alone this week has made me realize that I do see him as a vital part of my family and an extension of my love. Third, I need to change something…anything. When learning about trauma-based reactive behaviors, it is suggested that the parent start off easy and slowly work up to more responsibility and more accountability, adjusting the bar when they see that the child can handle it. In my case, I have started to sense that maybe I’ve been keeping the bar too low. Sure, it often feels like my child is meeting the bare minimum, but if he’s able to withstand a week without me, maybe I can start asking more from him, especially in school and in social interactions. Finally, no matter how hard I try (r rather “do or do not” as Jedi Master Yoda says) I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this new feeling of parenthood. It’s been over a year of training and nearly six months of implementation and every day I am being surprised or baffled with new parenting tests. I don’t feel like a parent. I feel young and like I have so much to prove. Yet, while simultaneously being a parent, I’m proving myself every day. I’m not longer practicing for the game. I’m constantly in the third quarter trying to score a touchdown. But if there’s one thing I know about football, it’s that when you win the Superbowl you get to say, “I’m going to Disney World” and that seems like the best break imaginable. If I keep pressing on, these breaks will pile up and I’ll have a sense of normalcy in the craziness. The lessons I learn during the breaks are invaluable because that’s when I have time to reflect on the craziness that is my new normal. [email protected]
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Erick L. Graham WoodHello there! Archives
June 2023
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