Chapter Six: Setting Aside Expectations, Hitting Lightspeed, and Keeping My Head Above Water8/29/2021 Okay, full stop. Or maybe “time out” and everything freezes around me like Zach Morris on “Saved by the Bell.” Either way, finding time to write a blog post with a 10-year-old boy in the house has proven difficult. But wow, it does feel good to be typing again.
First off, a bit of housekeeping, which is basically all I do anymore offline so I might as well translate that here, but this blog is officially rebranding. Yes, it’s still going to be called The Dadalorian, and yes, I am still going to be bringing you a monthly update on my life with fun anecdotes about navigating the foster care system, but now, I’m not going to box myself in with trying to squeeze a Star Wars reference in every post. Instead, I’m going to open up the comparisons to pop culture of all sorts. So, every great TV sitcom dad is on the table. (But not really because I relate to the TV mothers way more.) Now, a few updates about my life. We have officially hit the 30-day mark with our foster son. Part of that time was spent on a California-Disneyland vacation and the rest of it has been spent setting up a bedroom, starting Fifth grade, and for some reason deciding that getting a hamster would be a smart idea. While I’m still clearly in the honeymoon phase of being a foster parent, I can admit that the biggest lesson I’ve had to learn so far is to set aside all of your expectations. I thought our son hated us before he moved in. Maybe not “hate” but he didn’t see too interested in getting to know us those first few months. Of course, it’s hard getting to know some random strangers who walk into your life, but because of the hesitancy at the start, I couldn’t have predicted that only three weeks in he’d be calling us both “dad” and writing our last name on his school papers. We’ve blasted into hyperspace, and everything is happening fast, yet somehow naturally too. Then again, it can all change almost instantly. Every time I think I know this child’s personality, he surprises me by growing in ways I didn’t even consider. He talks way more than he used to so, in turn, the persona he tried to project at first is starting to melt away. Sure, he still thinks he’s a “gangster” but now I know he also likes to be tickled, wants to learn to bake, listens to pop music, and squeals in delight when he sees a cute animal. For a while, my expectations (or maybe my own insecurities) were keeping us from bonding. I’ve spent some time thinking about Disney’s “Aladdin” in regard to my recent interactions with my son. Maybe for each of us the roles are reversed, but when I think about it, I see myself as the protagonist of that story. A man who is trying his best to fit into a role that wasn’t truly him, all to impress someone else. Of course, the moment I met my son (and the months of preparation beforehand) has made me believe that I had to keep him comfortable. The prevailing thought in my head has been “don’t say ‘no’ or he won’t like you” and also “don’t let him get bored or he won’t like you.” Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to make a 10-year-old boy like me the past few months, and anyone who knows 10-year-old-boys knows that they simultaneously couldn’t care less about their parents and also idol them. I’m still trying to realize that being myself is enough when it comes to parenting. For Aladdin, it wasn’t the clothes or riches that made Jasmine like him, it was him. In my case, I don’t have to appease everything that he asks for. Saying “no” and ultimately having to reprimand my son will come. I have to trust that he’s going to still like me afterwards even if he doesn’t “like me” in that moment. That’s hard for me. Coming from my background, losing so many people in my life at a time when I was living more authentically than ever, I still worry about how others perceive me. I naively thought that I wouldn’t care what a child thought of me, but I do, maybe even more than anyone else. Between work, a master’s program, and now my new normal at home, I’m just trying to keep my head above water. Realizing that I didn’t have to put on the parent persona and that I could just be me (and bonus, my son actually bonding with me) has been a huge weight off my shoulders. I expect that as the months go on, I might need to put the genie back in the bottle. I’m fully planning on behavior issues to arise, for rejection to come, and that this 10-year-old sweetheart might turn into a nightmare, but for what it’s worth none of my expectations have been right yet. For now, I’m just taking it one day at a time (and one month at a time) into the holidays. Pumpkin spice lattes may be the only thing that can save me. -Erick L. Graham Wood [email protected]
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